Jokes & Cartoons about New Year’s Resolutions
Jokes
1. Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2016, please?
2. As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, «And what would you like for Christmas?»
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: «Didn’t you get my E-mail?»
3. Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds.
‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’
‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.
‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’
4. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
5. — I thought your resolution was to start jogging?
— Yes, but the problem with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
6. The New Year’s Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. «You know,» he confided to his host, «I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my driveway.»
7. Two girlfriends were talking at a New Year’s Eve party. The talk got around to what their resolutions would be.
«I’m going to start a diet to get rid of all of these extra pounds I put on over the holidays,» Kim said.
«Good!» Katrina exclaimed. «I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.»
«Great!» Kim replied. «I’ll ride with you.»